


Don't Kiss the Delivery Driver

by starlocked



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Puns, Cat Puns, M/M, Nonbinary Morality | Patton Sanders, Suggestive Themes, Swearing, dukeality, intruality, no don't break quarantine, quarantine fic, roman barely alluded to, virgil mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29306484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlocked/pseuds/starlocked
Summary: Patton orders take out after a stressful day of work and fel meets a flirty delivery man.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Kudos: 29





	Don't Kiss the Delivery Driver

**Author's Note:**

> Patton uses fel/feli pronouns! If I screwed them up, please tell me!   
> General Content warning for references to the pandemic, quarantine, masks, sexual innuendo, and far too many cat puns.

52...53...54...

Patton groaned as the last seconds of felis shift ticked down on the screen bathing feli in harsh blue light in the twilight darkness. Felis finger hovered over the button to log off felis phone and fel prayed fel wouldn't receive any last-second calls. As a child, Patton had often been told fel was a social butterfly, chatting with everyone about anything. Fel had never outgrown felis love of people and conversation, but phone calls with customers were draining. Every time the phone rang there was a problem that a usually angry person expected feli to solve the way they wanted it solved. 

The clock struck the end of felis shift and Patton wasted no time logging out of felis phone and clocking out for the evening, relieved by the still silence in felis apartment broken only by the soft dull thrum of traffic on the street below. Fel took a deep breath and the silence quickly shifted from comforting to irritating. Patton grabbed felis phone and hit shuffle on felis favorite playlist, determined to ignore the loneliness. 

Working from home was the worst personal consequence of this pandemic for Patton so far. The only person Patton had spoken with face to face in months was felis brother. Virgil seemed content to spend the lockdown tucked away in his own apartment, ignoring the rest of the world in favor of online obsessions and forums; he only let Patton come over to deliver groceries once a week.

Patton would gladly buy hot cheetos and energy drinks just to talk with someone. Of course, fel cared more about felis friends' and coworkers' safety, but this social butterfly needed to stretch felis wings.

Familiar beats and melody gave Patton the mental space to disconnect from work and fel found that fel was utterly unable to face the prospect of cooking. A quick glance in the pantry and long minute staring into the fridge did not manifest any leftovers or ready-made food. Patton shut the fridge door and leaned felis forehead against the cool metal with a sigh. Felis empty stomach rumbled and the music played on while fel decided how to handle felis predicament. 

Rather than fix felis food problem, Patton decided to get into more comfortable clothes, padding to felis room and throwing on grey sweats and a loose hoodie with cat ears on the hood. The sleeves were long enough to give feli sweater paws and if fel had to be an adult fel was going to make it fun. Fun hoodies were one thing that fel and Virgil seemed to both agree and disagree on. Their styles couldn't be more different but they'd each managed to give the other their favorite as a present. 

Pulling the hoodie up over felis hair, Patton realized a new option had been unlocked in felis brain: order take-out. Fel tried not to do it too often ever since fel had burned out on pizza after eating almost nothing else for three months, but since fel couldn't stand the thought of cooking and nothing simple was presenting itself fel figured now was as good a time as any. 

And if fel ordered delivery, well, that meant a delivery driver at felis door. 

Patton would do anything to talk to a new human being.

Fel pulled out felis phone to see what sounded good, settling on a burrito pretty quickly. Fel ordered and requested a delivery. Feeling cheeky, fel typed "send your cutest delivery boy" in the special instructions and submitted the whole thing before fel could second guess feliself. Giddy with excitement, Patton bounced back to the kitchen to get a drink, one eye on the order tracker on felis phone. It was a good five minutes before fel even considered the possibility that fel would need to tip the driver.

Fel knew for a fact there was no cash in felis wallet; fel hadn't needed to carry physical cash for months. But fel couldn't just give the guy felis bank numbers and asking for his venmo seemed really rude. Casting about the apartment, Patton spied a cat-shaped coin bank fel knew was stuffed with coins.

Perfect. 

Working quickly, fel emptied the bank until fel had several dollars worth of coins on the carpet. Patton counted out an appropriate tip and stuffed the rest of the coins back in the bank. Fel relaxed again as fel gathered the coins into a plastic bag and quickly sprayed them with disinfectant. You could never be too safe in a pandemic.

Minor crisis averted, Patton resumed dancing around the apartment to a wonderful mix of 80's power ballads, My Chemical Romance, and light-hearted folk music. Lockdown had taken a toll on feli.

Before long the doorbell rang and Patton gasped, rushing to the door with felis bag of change and strapping on a mask before opening the door. 

“Uh, order for Patton C.?”

"You brought my _purr_ ito!" Patton smiled as hard as fel could with felis eyes and flipped a sweater paw up next to felis chin. Fel had specifically grabbed the mask with a cat nose and whiskers on it as well.

The delivery driver gave Patton a long look up and down before replying in a nasally voice that gave Patton good chills up and down felis spine, "Well, I don't normally go for _pussy_.. damn you're ah.. really into the cat theme huh? It’s cute- I dig it. Actually, it’s really working for you, sir?"

"Kitties are cute! I love them but it's not very fun because I'm allergic," Patton responded, leaning against the open door, absolutely thrilled by casual conversation and giggling at the stranger’s babbling.

"Here's your ' _purr_ ito'. Also I'm gonna apologize because you asked for the cutest driver and unfortunately they sent me," the man held out Patton's order.

Patton looked the stranger in the eyes as fel took the bag and blushed slightly remembering the risqué comment earlier, "you've got to be _kitten_ me! I thought they sent the cutest _cat_ they could," fel winked at the driver then remembered the tip, "oh wait! Don't leave!" Fel held out the bag of change, “for you!”

The driver took the tip and chuckled, “if I wasn’t clear before, not my favorite kind of tip to take- although still appreciated.” Patton blushed even harder, glad that felis mask hid felis face.

“Are you always so.. Forward with customers?” Patton asked with a heart-meltingly cute giggle.

“No. Only with the ones I wish I could get closer than six feet to. A lot closer,” the driver threw his head back and laughed with a defeated sigh, “fuck this virus! I just want to kiss cute guys; is that really so bad? My brother has his partner and they’ve been so careful so they can keep seeing each other, but where does that leave me?”

Patton nodded understandingly, “yeah, my brother has completely shut himself away- not even because of the pandemic, he just doesn’t like people on good days and lockdown was a great excuse to become a recluse. I‘ve been stuck in this apartment for months, barely seeing anybody. I miss people. Quite a lot actually… literally enough to pay them to come to talk to me when they should be working.. I’m sorry sir-” fel moved to close the door and let the man go on his way.

“Wait!” Patton paused and peered out the door at the man, “look, I’ve been really careful about distancing and hand washing and stuff. You’ve been isolated and aren’t sick… it’s the end of my shift and you are my last delivery for the night- wanna be a little reckless?”

Patton looked into the piercing green eyes above the mask in front of him, “I’m.. uh.. Not quite a  _ guy- _ or a gal.. Is that okay?” Fel held open the door to felis apartment a bit wider as an invitation. 

The driver laughed, “oh are you nonbinary? I mean as long as you don’t mind a mustache I am so fucking down.” He carefully stepped inside as Patton nodded encouragingly. 

Patton giggled again, heart racing, “this is so bad, but so exciting! Are you hungry? Want a drink- um.. What’s your name?”

The driver laughed again, pulling off his mask to reveal a huge grin and the aforementioned mustache, “Remus. And you’re Patton?”

Fel nodded and pulled down felis own mask to smile back, “come on in, Remus. It’s wonderful to meet _mew_ \- even if it’s reckless.”

“Fuck yeah, thanks,” Remus nodded, glancing around felis apartment, “this is a really nice place. No roommates?”

Patton shrugged, “I was tired of living with people. Maybe I would have tried to add a roommate when the rent went up, but meeting people in a pandemic is hard.”

“And you’re sure you’re okay with this. I’m a random, high-risk stranger just walking into your home,” Remus asked incredulously.

“I’m sure,” Patton replied simply, stepping closer to Remus, “want to see what it’s like when a cat’s really got your tongue?”

Remus nodded eagerly, letting the door swing shut behind him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wear a mask. Wash your hands. Do Not Kiss The Delivery Driver.  
> Stay Safe 💕


End file.
